my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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