I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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