I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize