it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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