Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize