I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
