I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize