But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
