I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
