Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
