I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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