Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
