You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize