you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
