I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
