I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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