She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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