I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
