I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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