May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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