Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
As shirtless as possible
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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