Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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