I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
