I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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