I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There's always time for handjobs
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
