I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
