Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
