i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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