I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize