i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
