I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
