OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
