Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize