I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
