I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
