just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
