My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
