Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
