just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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