I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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