When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
