Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
