she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
