sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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