I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
