my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need a beard to bite.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
