And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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