just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
