Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
