is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just high enough for therapy.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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