If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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