Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize