nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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