Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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