I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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