Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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