i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
