dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
