why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
