Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
