ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
