My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
