Nicole vs. Life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
