Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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